291: doubting myself.

Have you ever felt as if you're like studying or working on the wrong course or jobline?

Like seriously. 

Have you ever consider that what you're working on right now is like not suitable for you?

Well... I have... like a bazillion (is this an actual word?) times, in fact. 

First of all, there are some times during my four years studying TESL in UKM I have doubted myself and asking if I ever can actually pull it off. I mean, four years studying for your degree is indeed four years that you'll never get back.


I wonder what I can do with that four years if I don't study for my degree. Hurm...

To be honest, I have always wanted to be an art or literature student, you know... the one that always dressed in hipster-esque clothings, trotting DSLRs or Lomo cameras everywhere and be awesome with playing with ukulele or guitar or shit. Haha, I would probably get a lot of hate comments regarding my stereotypical characterization of what an art or lit students are. 

But whatever.

But then again I always reminds myself that the degree that I will get at the end of the day will be so effing worth it because a lot of people claimed that having a TESL degree can branch you out in like a bazillion (again, is that even a word?) other things in life.

Like scriptwriting, copywriting, advertising, legal, journalism and whatnot. There are tonnes of job you can do after you graduated with a TESL degree. Seriously. I am not kidding. You got to have to expand your horizon and have that extra something in order to make yourself marketable.  

Well... maybe I consider myself slightly lucky because I got my writing (academically and also commercially) published even before I graduated, which is awesome on my resume. I got the right amount of exposure due to the publication of BISIK, and there are some companies came up to me and telling me that they're interested in hiring young ambitious writers like me. But at that particular moment, I was like... not now I guess... I wanted to push myself as farther as I can before I even consider jumping both feet into the working world. No kidding.

So during the arduous and effing long 16-weeks practical in a small hellish place called Melaka, I was like... screw working, this is effing hard. I am not wanting to work yet, not until I got my Masters (or PhD?) done. So I apply the Masters of Arts program for Literature in USM, thinking that I would never got in, not in a million years since I am (at that moment) is studying TESL and is not exactly focusing on literature per se. I also tried applying for the position of RA there too, just for fun (and slightly for backup, in case I can't land a proper job after graduating later onwards).

And guess what?

I got in.

A lecturer replied my RA application by saying that I am actually overqualified for the RA position and would be far suitable for the Masters program. I was like, "Are you fereals?"

So fast forward to about two months after the hellish practical, here I am studying for my Masters in Literature at USM.

The big question pops back in mind: AM I HAPPY HERE?

The answer is: "Ehn... ierno. Really. I don't know."

I am not really enthusiastic about my other classmates, about the class or about the environment. I'm not kidding. Including me, there are about twelve other people in the running of completing our Masters Degree in (hopefully) three semesters time, but what really really frustrated me is that my classmates is nothing like my degree-time classmates. They're this bunch of boring farts. Seriously. They are too full of themselves, they're a bit selfish (most of the times) and they're very, and I repeat... very... not that friendly.

In a group THAT small, I was half-hoping that we'll be close-knit and helping each other out at all times. But then again I think maybe when you're studying for your Masters, everybody was like thinking that they're better than the other; hence, the snobbish attitude. Thank God the lecturers aren't as mean and hard to approach as what I have experienced in UKM.

I have been studying in USM for about a month now and all I can say that I felt more and more alone. I eat lunch alone, goes to prayer alone, studying my notes at PHS (thats Perpustakaan Hamzah Sendut for non-USM) alone too. Its frustrating.

Its not as if I do not tried to make friends. I did. I went out of my comfort zone by talking to my classmates more but all I got was shot down by them over and over again.

Thank God I only have to see them for three times per week. *breath out*

So yeah... I am starting to fell like studying for my Masters in USM is a sight mistake. Maybe I am still adjusting myself with the new environment, maybe I am overanalyzing all those petty details or maybe I need to get out more, get a job, and then consider to further my studying later.

But then again, like what I have gone through in UKM... I am going to push myself and complete my Masters in time. SERIOUSLY.

Urgghh... sorry. This is a rambling post a tad too long I suppose. At this time of day, how I missed 

Imma hit the sack now. Too tired. Got a pile of stuff to read and write for class and I am planning to hit on that tomorrow.

For tonight, its zzz time.


Julie Anne berkata…
cuba ke nok. aku pernah ada feeling macam ko. kesannya sampai hari ni aku takde degree lagi. masa kawan2 sebaya dah ada masters, dah sambung PhD, aku masih terkial-kial lg nak carik course yang sesuai. I tried Engineering, Health and Safety and English Lit, semua aku drop out sebab rasa environment tak best. Sekarang dah ada komitmen (rumah/kereta etc) and aku pon tak tau ada atau tidak kesempatan aku untuk buat degree. This time aku nak buat samada Law atau Tourism Management, depending on my budget, tapi serious aku tak tau bila.

Just cuba persevere, mungkin apa yang kau rasa susah sekarang akan jadi aset utk ko masa depan. srsly i can't see u working in the office, walaupun kita baru je kenal tapi aku bleh rasa kepala otak kita lebih kurang weng je..haha..mungkin ko bleh mintak keje dengan Amir Muhammad dengan Masters ko tu nanti hahaha...

good luck dear friend, semoga usaha gigih ko akan membuahkan hasil nanti
shandye. berkata…

thanks for the pep talk.

yeah... it took me 16 weeks of pure hell in practical to make me sure that teaching was not my cup of tea (or coffee). i think i imma push myself to complete my masters and see things from there onwards.

come to think of it, working with amir muhammad ain't sound so bad either, since i already kinda worked with him on fixi, ye tak?

Julie Anne berkata…
itulah,ko hantar je resume nanti kot kot dia nak ambik bolehla kau bekerja from your home in your boxer shorts je kan? hahaha..
shandye. berkata…
masa sy tgh buat BISIK dulu pun mmg i am typing away in my teeny tiny baju tdo je kot. lolz.

urgghhh.... i hate the so-called idea block when you're wanting to start your 2nd book. mencik!
FaizalSulaiman berkata…
kuatkan semangat shy. masalah u sama mcm few of my students where the environment tak support untuk dia belajar.

kalau rasa stuck gila, drop kemudian kerja (pilih kerja yg u betul2 minat) kemudian sambung balik :)
Julie Anne berkata…
haha..aku baru start 2nd book harap boleh siap by end of this year..
jom buat sesama, boleh launching sesama kat PBAKL lagiiiii..hahahahaha
harap sabar banyak2. give them time. mungkin sebulan tu agak baru utk diorang get along dgn orang yg baru diorang kenal. i doakan yang terbaik untuk you.