371: letting go.

There are times when I let myself to be ridiculously stupid and go through the stuff that was left my ex. Those trinkets were kept nicely in three old random shoeboxe, containing knick-knacks of random stuff that were traded between us back then.

I don't know why I did that. I just do.

All those letters, movie ticket stubs, random receipts from various food places that we used to call 'our place', odd-looking stones (collected by the roadsides, beaches or sidewalks when we decide to take a stroll) and various other mementos.

The other day I decided to walk down memory lane, took a bus back to the island and visited the place where we used to sit and watch the ocean. That very same spot has long gone, and now was replaced by a humongous multi-stories shopping complex called Queensbay Mall. It's kind of sad to see 'our place' of odd jutting bay of huge rocks are now literally a vast open-air car park for that mall. I tried to find 'our spot' but obviously to no avail; everything look and feel very much different.

I took my cellphone out and snap a picture, before sending it over to you. Mere minutes later,you replied by asking me where was the picture is taken. I asked you to call me (yeah, I am that naggy, excuse me) and we end up talking over the phone for hours while I sat at the bus stop, overlooking the car park. I must look like a crazy homeless person to other passerby, with my animated hands and gasping as I held my conversation with you. I don't know, I know feel that I need to talk to you, and I appreciate you for doing just that.

I told you that I am at the crossroads of my life (yet again) and sometimes I just feel like I am literally drifting in and out of life without an exact sole purpose of living. My studies have been going on endlessly nowhere, my life slowly felt empty, like a leaking pail half empty with water.

It has been awhile since we met face to face, and I don't really bother that, considering that you live somewhat 1000 kilometers away from me and that we are literally are separated by a strait and passport. How I wished things were as simple as before: me wanting you here would take only a simple bus/train/plane/car ride away and hey presto, we're sitting next to each other, overlooking this same old ocean, sharing a bag of potato chips and sipping on a perspiring glass of Pepsi.

Things are way too different to be back as before, I know, I should have learned that by now.

But why on earth is letting go so damn fucking hard to do?