Optional song to listen to while you're reading this nonsense...
Its (almost) that day again when all people who are in a relationship would publicly display their utmost lavish loveness (is that even a word?) to their significant other, and poor singletons like me sulk in our cramped bed while watching a rerun of Girls (or Looking, or even worst... that movie), eat ice cream and reminiscing on why are we, perfectly date-able single guys/girls are still single.
Ring any bells?
Anyways, a close friend of mine had coffee with me the other day and we got to talking about this touchy subject on why certain people (read: me, almost especially) are still single; and here are some of the things that we discovered and agree upon.
Some people are desperate, and desperate people tends to settle. What is meant by settling is that some people have the tendency to lower their expectations and aspirations on any potential lovers, they are willing to just being 'tak apalah' with anybody that wants to be with them.
Now that, my friend, is called being in a toxic-relationship.
I am not ashamed to share a certain personal experience about this matter. I use to be in a toxic-relationship myself. I was with this person, despite this person clearly not having any interest in me in be in a serious relationship other than 'lepak-lepak' buddy, that I am willing to over and over again be somewhat used by this person as they see fit.
Six months down the road, I finally realize that the relationship is not going anywhere but staying static, its fucking annoying. This person only calls me to hang out as friend, yadda yadda yadda...
I, my friend... have been friendzoned. Thank you very much.
So the next thing I do is to tell this person directly how I feel and call it quits. We went out separate ways, life has never been better.
So in short, I realized that I had made 2 crucial mistakes. a) I appear to be too available, that person think that I can be toyed around easily, 2) I stayed friends with that person for too long, it had taken a dangerous toll on me (not gonna explain that).
2. Still "coping" in recovering from your previous unsuccessful relationship
Some people are still at the moping stage after they had broken up from someone else. Its okay to mope and sulk, reminiscing on what had gone wrong with the relationship (and hopefully learn something out of it!) but when the 'coping' period is crazily way too long, it tends to get in the way of any potential new relationship to take place.
You get what I mean?
Imagine that you just broken up with someone, and you dearest friend had set you up on a blind date. You and this new bloke (or girl) are at this cute restaurant, having your dinner and passing small talks, and you realize that you have been ranting for the past 2 hours about your ex-girlfriend to this new girl.
Will you turned off that girl?
Err... most likely!
You see, a friend of mine had this theory whereby when you broke up with someone, you should not immediately date someone new right after that (that's what people call rebound) but in fact you should wait and let all the emotional baggage and trollies and whatnot to settle in first. You should have some 'me' time first. Find out what is wrong with you that had made the relationship went awry and reminds yourself to not make the same mistake again. Also, having some 'me' time is crucial so that you are mentally and physically stable enough to think clearly when you are approaching (or being approached) by someone new.
Now my friend and I agree that the duration of 'me' time depends on how long is the previous unsuccessful relationship is. For example, if you have been dating this guy for like two months and then you guys broke up, you should have a solid one month of 'me' time before starting to date someone new.
It is advisable to use that time pretty wisely actually. Go travel, pick a hobby, get lost in a new project. Do something that is invigorating and stimulating your heart and mind, you will forget about that bloke/girl that had broken up with you in the first place.
3. Being unrealistic in love-searching
Now I blame the television and the local literature for this, like seriously. Go to any local bookstores and look at the shelves of Malay bestsellers. See if you can spot a trend there.
Most of the local literature made available for purchase in the market are fluffy love stories filled with uninspiring characters with fantastic love story. I mean yeah it is harmless and actually a bit fun to have a fantasy, but when your fantasy is too large and overpowering, it tends to cloud your judgement.
Evident #1: most local literature have characters who are either insanely beautiful, pious as hell, rich as fuck or any combination of the above.
Evident #2: no matter how ghastly the trials and tribulations that character went through, at the end of the day, they live happily ever after.
Well, snap out of it folks! Life is not all peachy and dandy. Reality is harsh, and brutally honest sometimes.
Most people out there who mope around saying that they are undate-able is in fact actually having an illusion of grandeur that love is all about being swept off their feet by their 'prince-charming', living in huge extravagant castles and have shitloads of money. No, seriously, I am not kidding at this part. There are women (and men) out there who dreamed of all these nonsensical bullshit when they themselves are a pathetic screw-up themselves. Most of the characters in the novels and television are made that way to feed off to their fantasy, promoting unrealistic circumstances and occurrences when it come to finding their loved ones.
Anyways, what I am trying to say here is that it is not the end of the world if you are still single when Valentine's Day came later this week. Its just another day, big deal! (ayat penyedap hati sangat!)